Al Franken sets up a re-education camp for sexual predators like Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey, Garrison Keillor and other men who simply thought that what they were doing all these years was just what men are supposed to be doing.
It’s like a conference… to educate the asshole out of these people.
First, they need to talk amongst themselves, with themselves and for themselves about how shocked they were to realize that they had actually offended or hurt anyone. Or how shocked they were that any of the people they had offended or hurt actually had the balls to come forward and say it out loud. Because I can’t think of a single woman who would want to hear that shit, however, they should get a compassionate man to listen to them and talk to them about how hard it is to realize that you’ve been an asshole your whole life but it’s not too late to change. Give them space to accept and understand their shame and embrace their vulnerability in this moment. Franken would be a great facilitator of a conversation like this.
Then, when they’re ready… I’d say on day 3 or 4 of camp… have strong, scary-intelligent, truth-speaking women like poet Mahogany Browne and psychologist Brene Brown to introduce them to what it means to be a proper human in the world. They’re going to need a couple of days, at least, to make it through this curriculum.
Then, as the mere beginning of their penance, require these men to go online and find a poop emoji Halloween costume (there were so many of these leftover on such a crazy discount this year that I could have bought a whole fleet of them myself). With these costumes, these men will hold the first of a long series of semiannual (we’ll need to do this at least a couple of times every year for a while) “Piece-of-Shit Parades.” The Parades will take place all over the country but the biggest ones will be in Hollywood, New York and DC. These reforming men will don the poop emoji costumes and carry signs that name their particular transgressions and say things like:
I WILL NO LONGER BE A PIECE OF SHIT!
NOT GETTTING CONSENT IS SHITTY!
ONLY PIECES OF SHIT
TREAT WOMEN AND CHILDREN
DON’T BE A PIECE OF SHIT!
And one day someone will be able to say to their kid: “You know, a long long time ago, men used to get away with just grabbing girls and boys and women and groping them or kissing them, or even masturbating in front of them without getting consent. Can you believe that?” and the kid will say, “No. Way!”
And Al Franken will lead the biggest parade every year with a big black and white rectangular sign that says:
ANNUAL PIECE OF SHIT PARADE
because we can’t do better until we acknowledge what we
THEN… all of these reforming men can start a campaign fund for aspiring women (both cis- and trans-) politicians. They can run a website that champions women politicians, provides insightful information about women in politics and encourages girls to get involved in politics. Each year, they could choose a particular woman doing amazing work to help men not be pieces of shit and they could name her Woman of the Year and give her cause lots of money so that she continue to help men not be pieces of shit.
Crazier things have worked – and humor is ALWAYS a quick way to engage the masses in a task as difficult as this. And, for the record, I am dead serious. Despite their idiotic and shameful behavior, Franken is hilarious, Louis C.K. is outrageous and Keillor is mildly entertaining in a grandpa sort of way (I'm still too skeeved by Spacey to say what he is -- but he does do some pretty amazing impressions). These are the kind of guys that could pull some stupid shit like this off.
I am hereby copyrighting the idea of the “Piece of Shit Parade,” by the way, so if anyone actually does DO this, I want credit.
Keep your sense of humor, Teamies.