Here’s why I think maybe I don’t remember ever actually seeing my mother exercise: I was ashamed of her body and didn’t want to look at her. Ugh. Yes, I’m a terrible terrible person. But, please keep in mind, dear reader, that her body was/is my body. So… when I say I was ashamed of her body, it was really because I was fearful of being as heavy as her and I hated my body as much as she hated hers. And, she truly hated her body. I have the journal entries to prove it.
Well, that was relatively easy… because my beautiful, powerful, active, wild daughter has my body too. And, when I see her run or wash her belly in the tub or play dress up I know it’s MY responsibility to make sure she never feels ashamed of her body. And, I know from experience that she will look to me as a mirror. And every time she looks at me I want her to see health and strength and confidence and freedom so that she can use all of those words to describe herself as well.
Well, today I weighed in and had my body composition tested. I have gained only 4 pounds back and gone up 3.5% in body fat in the past eight weeks. The body fat %, I’m not happy about but I’m still well within the “healthy” range. This is not to say that my fears were unfounded but I feel it is a testament to how far I have come that even such a little change in my body felt huge, felt horrible.
So, today, I started starting over. I ran the 3 miles that I was supposed to for my half-marathon training. I attended my pilates and ashtanga classes. I planned everything I was going to eat and made sure it was prepared (with love) well in advance of when I would need it and then I ate (with love) slowly, while sitting down, and not too much. I basically kicked ass today and fell back in love with my body and my commitment to health and wellness.
My niece, Brenna, recently shared this little quip with me that I think she said she saw on facebook or pinterest somewhere (isn’t that where most of us get our wisdom these days?): “When life knocks you down, stand back up and say, ‘you hit like a bitch.’” Ya, Life! That’s what I did today. So, suck it! I do not need to compulsively overeat to take all the punches you have to serve. You are a formidable opponent but, at least in this little area of my life, I’m going to keep winning here for a while. Get used to it.
& Vaya Con Dios & Namaste & Everything, while you’re at it!