Then, I grew up and I put aside that phrase in favor of a more understanding and loving feminism that made room for my male friends, my male colleagues, my male students, my second husband and my son. And I lived for a LONG time in the vague haze of “not all men.” I call it a “vague haze” because other than the occasional personal kindness I experienced from the men in my life — personal kindnesses, I might add, that were shocking and very much out of the ordinary of MY history — I rarely saw any concrete action taken by men to fight violence against women.
Then, I grew up some more. It is not true, of course, that all men are rapists. It is also not true, as I often liked to follow up with, that all men WOULD rape if they knew they could get away with it. It is obviously true that some men are truly good men. BUT it is also very much true, it is ABSOLUTELY true, that our culture WANTS to make rapists out of ALL MEN. It is true that ALL MEN in our culture are raised to believe that “boys will be boys” and boys have a god-given right — even a responsibility — to TAKE whatever they want, whenever they want. That is the baseline philosophy of patriarchy and patriarchy is our culture. Even if their families were smart enough not to raise men this way, it doesn’t matter because eventually the culture’s influence is as strong as, then stronger than, the family we are raised in. Men are raised to be rapists by our culture. ALL. MEN.
Of course, it is also true that I am one of those hardened, hateful, hurting, angry “survivors.” It is also true that I, myself, have had my life taken hostage by rapists and sex offenders (yes, multiple). So, sure, I’m biased. But in case you are unaware of this ever-so-popular statistic, 1 in 4 women are, so... we are legion. I am not alone.
I’ve asked before which men are willing to stand up and say they will no longer accept this behavior from their brethren. I want so badly for there to be a yearly march men can join or a t-shirt they can wear or a specific hashtag that they can use that would declare clearly and out loud to the world that they are not a rapist. #iamnotarapist might work. I even originally finished this post with more ranting about how until I see this hashtag on your profiles and your posts, I don't know, I can't be sure. And I've been trying to figure out why I want so much to force men to show themselves as they are -- either as the misogynists and rapists that our culture has forced them to become or "the good guys." And I think I've figured it out.
Hey! Guess what? I don't feel safe. I don't feel my daughter is safe. I don't feel that my female friends, colleagues, family members, students, etc... are safe. And I live with that feeling, based on the very solid fact of my life and world history, every single minute of every day. And mostly I don't feel safe because we can't tell who you -- misogynists and rapists -- are just by looking at you. So I wish -- my inner 19-year-old feminist wishes -- there was some easy way to tell you guys apart. I wish good guys would declare themselves in some obvious fashion so we know whether to trust you or not -- and it would have to be in a way that the bad guys would never put on even as a disguise because that would just muddy the water even further. I want you -- the good guys -- to wear all pink all the time. I want you to wear a fuzzy purple hat on your head. I want you to wear special jackets like you're all a gang and the back of your jackets can declare: we are not rapists! I want -- I NEED -- some kind of method of telling you apart, you see, so that I can feel safe. Because feeling safe is a basic human need.
Why don't more "good guys" speak out against violence against women? Oh, there is the occasional activist, the errant celebrity, the random young man with a blog who will raise his fist and demand better treatment for women for a day or two but most of y’all are hiding. Hiding. Why? I have had a recent terrible thought about why. Maybe because ultimately, a rapist’s Power is YOUR power and god forbid you give up YOUR power — even if it means ONE in FOUR girls and women suffer at your brethren’s hands. This is akin to the white person who claims not to be racist but refuses to speak out against racist groups, racist activity, racist behavior and racist sentiments because ultimately THAT white person knows that they are benefitting from white supremacy even if only subconsciously. Is that possible? Could you subconsciously be unwilling to give up the power that patriarchy and rape culture provide you? Even if it means that your sisters aren't safe? Your mothers aren't safe? Your own daughters aren't safe? Really?
In the light of Shane Piche (new celebrity rapist) receiving NO JAIL TIME for raping a 14-year-old girl, I hereby once again declare: ALL MEN. His lawyer, Eric Swartz — ALL MEN. His judge— Justice McClusky — ALL MEN. The spokesperson for the court — ALL MEN. ALL MEN. ALL MEN. ALL MEN. You see, I can't help myself because THAT'S HOW IT FEELS and that's how SCARY this shit is.
Justice McClusky went so far as to say that Piche’s pain and his consequences — of being on the sex offenders list and being on PROBATION—were SUFFICIENT. Sufficient!?!?!? He stole the mental and physical health of another human being. SHE will NEVER be the same. The entire rest of HER life will revolve around exorcising the terror of HIM from HER BODY.
And I had only just started to recover from the Kavanaugh trials.
See, each time a rapist is in the news, us surly, bitchy, hateful “survivors” have to relive our shit. Every. Single. Time. It will take a minute, an hour, a day, several days, a week, a couple weeks, a month, several months, for us to glue all the pieces back into place AGAIN. Where are the men helping us do that? The husbands? The boyfriends? The sons? The lovers? The friends? That IF a woman is LUCKY enough to have, help her pick up the pieces? Don’t they get tired of paying for the bullshit their brethren cause in THEIR lives? If they won’t step up to step out of their BULLSHIT power to rape, for us, could they maybe do it for themselves? For the fact that it’s actually really inconvenient to live with women who are constantly falling to pieces every time a man gets a tiny slap on the wrist for “just being one of the boys”? Which is FAR too often.
DO NOT tell me “not all men”! BULLSHIT. Tell me — and say it loud and proud— #iamnotarapist BECAUSE since I was a small child I had no reason to look in the face of a man and believe that he wasn’t. As a grown-ass woman who understands the way men are raised in our culture, I know for sure the seed was planted in you. So, what? Are you like Brock Turner, Shane Peche, Swartz, McClusky, Chalfen, Kavanaugh, Trump— just embracing that seed and watering it and nurturing it so it blooms to full-on misogyny in you? Or are you different? Are you one of the good guys? Are you intentionally, purposely, knowingly, lovingly refusing to allow that seed to grow? I want to know. And how will I know unless you tell me then show me by speaking the fuck up over and over and over and over again like women have been doing forever -- attempting to demand some semblance of safety? #iamnotarapist or #notallmen ? You choose. I'm sorry it has come to this. I don't want to have to demand this of any fellow human being -- to prove whether you are good or you are evil. I want to be able to assume -- until proven otherwise -- that you are all good. But I would be an idiot -- in the face of all of this evidence -- to live that naively. I would be a fool -- with my safety and the safety of all of the women around me so obviously compromised -- to be that trusting ever again.
You have to find SOME way to prove that you are one of the good guys. Please.
Until then: ALL. MEN. I'm sorry to have to tell you.
EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Until we are safe.
Demand your safety, Teamies, with love (ALWAYS, with love).